Been A While, April 2, 2010, 12:40AM

Been A While

Well it has been a very long time since I've written a blog.  A lot of different things have happened since I last wrote a blog.

Biggest thing being Billy and I broke up February 15th.  We had broken up for a few days back in December but we got back together.

Reasons why I did it?
1.  He hadn't talked to me in over a week.
2.  I was tired of being hurt by him.
3.  He was lying.
4.  He wasn't going to change.
5.  It was time that I finally did it.
6.  It didn't even feel like he was my boyfriend anymore.
7.  I felt that I needed to be freed of him.

Life since then has been great, I'm actually HAPPY!  I haven't been sad or depressed and I've found that I really and truly do enjoy being single.

Though I still would love to have a boyfriend, but for now I'm going to enjoy being single and doing whatever I want :)

Sadly I lost a few good friends from that break, but turns out they weren't so great of friends after all.  Oh well, lots of shit heads in the world, I just happened to find 2 of them.

Anyone else in my life?

Yeah, there are a few new people in my life.  One sadly had to leave for the Air Force and I miss him a lot.  Another I've been hanging out with a lot and he's really cool.

I've made a few friends at school, most of them are older, but I'm glad I at least made some friends.  Something that has always been very hard for me to do.

I went and got my hair highlighted, blonde and red.  It looks awesome and I think I'm gonna keep it up.

I still haven't heard back from the Nursing Program, but I should know in April whether I got in or not, which I'm hoping that I did.

I'm leaving for North Myrtle Beach tomorrow, I'm very excited about it.  Haven't ever been to North Myrtle, but I'm sure it will be very nice.  Going with my great aunt Martha Lou, her hubby, her daughter, and 2 granddaughters and my parents.

Hmm... not much else going on in my life.  If I can think of anything else I'll write lol.

I am finally a legal adult :), October 6, 2009, 8:20PM

I am finally a legal adult :)

Current mood:knighted

I finally turned 18 on Saturday.  It was the best birthday of my life!

I was a little rebellious and went to get a tattoo...  and I DON'T regret it.  I have wanted one for a long time now and finally was able to get one cause my parents don't like them.

I am very proud of myself for getting it.  It was a big step into my adulthood [which sounds cheesy but that's how I see it].  It was my first decision on my own as a legal adult.

I almost chickened out driving there but I had my bestie with me [Jessica Masters] and Nathan and Steve :D  Billy and Matt showed up a little bit later as I was getting "drilled".

Oh and by the way, if you're gonna get a tattoo... Go to Redskull!!!  Eddie is the best!!!!

Life as of right now is great... Billy and I are doing fantastic!  Sunday made 10 months, though we still have our little problems, we solve them and try to make the best out of every day.

He's currently working at Burger King and he enjoys it for the most part...

As for me... I'm trying to get answers to my health problems.  So far everything is looking good but I still don't have the strength I should so I can't work.

That's about all I have to say.  :D  Thanks for reading :)

Been A While, But I'm FINALLY Getting Answers!, September 26, 2009, 1:49PM

Been A While, But I'm FINALLY Getting Answers!

Current mood:depressed

It definitely has been a long time sine I wrote a blog.

Right now I've been in college a while, and the first day of college all my health problems came back... hurting all over, walking like an 80 year old woman, etc.

College (other than the whole hurting all over) is going great.  I love all my classes, my teachers are GREAT!

Things with Billy are up and down at times, but other than our little fights (most recent one being last night) we're doing great.

Today actually makes one week until my 18th B-Day and I am very excited about turning 18.

Yesterday I finally found a few answers to all my health problems.

The doctor did extensive blood work when I was having pain, last time I had blood work done, I was perfectly fine, no pain, no problems so everything came back negative except that ANA.

The blood results came back Thursday, the doctor called at 6:30 that night and told us that we needed to come back in the next day for the results.

 

Yesterday we went in, he kept asking me very specific questions about the pain, how the mobic and muscle relaxers were helping me.

 

He checked my strength, which was very poor and not where it should be, like my grip, my arm and leg strength.  He also noticed a lot of swelling in my joints.

 

He sat me back down and began reading off the blood work results.  I was slightly positive for Lupus and MCTD [Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder].

 

But just because I was slightly positive for those does NOT mean I have them.  But from the blood results he said that I do have an autoimmune disorder and until he can rule out the other possibilities he is calling it Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease.

 

He put me on steroids for the swelling and a different type of pain medicine for pain.

 

As of right now I am taking vitamins because I’m slightly anemic [which I’ve always known], pain medicine, steroids, and muscle relaxers.  I just hope all these medicines will help me live a normal life.

 

Also autoimmune diseases don’t usually go away, they stay for life.  Both my mom’s sister and one of my dad’s brothers have an autoimmune disease so it’s not so much of a mystery why I have one.  They both have Rheumatoid Arthritis, which I was presenting symptoms of but luckily the results came back negative for that test.  My aunt Teresa also has Ulcerative Colitis and Hashimoto’s disease which are both autoimmune diseases.

 

As for me, it’s a mystery to exactly what I have for now, so I’m stuck with Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease until we can rule out the other possibilities.

 

It also has been found out that the antibiotic I took oh so long ago wasn’t the cause of all my problems, it was just the domino that tipped over the others to my autoimmune problems.

College Starts in 2 Weeks, Which Marks a New Chapter in My Life, August 5, 2009, 1:13PM

College Starts in 2 Weeks, Which Marks a New Chapter in My Life

Current mood:excited

So.. I start SCC on Monday, August 17th and I am SO EXCITED!!

It feels great to finally be in college.

I'm hoping to find a new job, because it's getting very hard for me to work at Mountain Trace because some of my old health problems are returning.

I start physical therapy on Monday, August 10th for my elbow, because it won't straighten out.

But my muscles and joints are starting to hurt all over again, so my rheumatologist prescribed me some pain meds, but they're not strong enough to take the pain away.

My eyesight is beginning to betray me, my mom has set me an appointment with the eye doctor at the end of the month.  Hopefully I will have my problems solved then.

Billy and I yesterday celebrated our 8 month anniversary :)

I recently went to Maine and stayed for a week.

Billy and I were having a lot of problems before I left and were fighting all the time and we almost broke up one night because it got so bad.

I was beginning to doubt my feelings for him and really didn't know what was going on with me.

But I went to Maine, which made me miss him so much.  He missed me so much more, he was depressed, didn't eat, didn't sleep, and wouldn't talk hardly.

But I'll never forget, the day I came back I pulled into Steve's and I saw him standing there at his truck.

Suddenly I realized how much I had actually missed him.

I got out and as he walked over to me he had the biggest smile on his face I had ever seen.  It made me almost cry.  We ended up hugging, not letting each other go, for a while.

Ever since then, things have been so much better, we are so much closer, love each other so much more.

All the doubts I had before I went to Maine disappeared, and I know now more than ever that we were meant to be together.

He has made me so happy these past few days.  I couldn't ask for a better guy.

He is always going to have a part of me, and I know this is real love.

We've been discussing marriage, but no wedding bells in the soon future.

He wants to wait until he gets his life straightened out, such as get a job, move out, be able to support me.

Things are just finally falling into place, I can remember a time when I thought "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, no guy in their right mind will ever want to date or marry me."

Well look at me now, I've been with Billy for 8 months and 1 day, we're very serious and so much in love with each other.

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Forever hasn't started yet, but it will soon enough.  And when it finally does I know I will be the happiest I ever have been in my life.

I'm not happy unless I'm with him.  I'm not content unless I've talked to him.  I'm alone unless I'm with him.  I'm not satisfied unless I've kissed him.

He is the sun, the moon, and the stars.  He is my day and my night, and the times in between.

I would be nothing without him.  He is my everything and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

We've been through so much together, and I wouldn't trade any of those times, good or bad, for the world.

♥
Devon

The Past Is The Past, So Why Let It Affect My Future?, July 10, 2009, 2:16PM

The Past Is The Past, So Why Let It Affect My Future?

Current mood:contemplative

Ok so yesterday, me being the dumbass I am, brought up my boyfriend's ex in a conversation.

Me, being how I am, got upset about it as well.

I don't know why, but it really upsets me to talk about ex's and such.

Especially considering the people I've dated in the past.

The thing that really upsets me about this one particular person is that she's called him.

Billy, I'm pretty sure, doesn't feel anything toward her now, but still they dated for a while.

I know I shouldn't be worried, but what if something happens?

I know I can't deal without him.

I just wish she would have never existed so I wouldn't have to worry about any of this.

She called about a month ago, right after Billy and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary.

First thing she asked him was, "Are you still with Devon?"

I'm pretty sure she was trying to get back with him because she doesn't seem like the type of person that would just call to see how he was doing.

The thing that upset me the most about all of this was that Billy waited a while before he told me that this had happened.

I'm one of those people that can forgive easily, but can't ever forget.

It's always these thoughts are always lurking the back of my mind where I keep things locked away.

The bad thing about when I lock things away, once one thing gets out I start to dwell on it and worry myself to death.

Last night was when that happened.

On our way back from Asheville we were talking about something and I asked him who he went to a concert with or something and he said Jen.

I don't know why but it bothers me SO MUCH.

Another thing that bothers me.. I've had so many firsts with Billy, I can't even begin to count how many... Yet he's had so few with me.

That shouldn't matter to me, but it really does and I don't know why.

I just wish I wouldn't feel jealous about all this cause it's ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure Billy feels nothing toward any of his ex's, but how can I be sure?

The only thing I can be sure about is how I feel.

I feel nothing for any of my ex's (except the few I reguard as best friends, nothing more) and have pretty much forgotten the relationships we had in the past.

It's as if Billy is my first REAL boyfriend, the only one I have ever truly loved.

I just don't know what to do.

I want proof that I'm the only girl he dreams of or thinks of.

This seems kind of ridiculous but I can't help but feel this way, it's just apart of my own insecurities.

I just don't want anything to happen because I don't know what I would do without Billy.

It's hard going a day without seeing him, and it's almost impossible for me to deal without talking to him for a day.

I love him with all my heart, he's the only one that's ever had all of my heart.

I just hope nothing happens between us, ever :(

And People Wonder Why I'm So Depressed All The Time, June 16, 2009, 7:23AM

And People Wonder Why I'm So Depressed All The Time

Current mood:depressed

OK, so...  Today I'm going to TN, by myself.

Seems like lately NOTHING has went the way I wanted it to.

All starting with Thursday, my BIG day.

Graduation was on Thursday June 11th, probably the biggest day of my life so far.

You know how all your family is suppose to come, watch you walk across the stage, and meet you afterwards to congratulate you on your accomplishment?

Well some of my family showed up, only 4 others besides my mom and dad from what I saw.

And the shitty thing was they only stayed to see me walk, which wasn't that big of a deal.

After it was all over and I had gotten my diploma I walked out looking for my family to come and congratulate me.

First after I walked out of the double doors to the Auxillary Gym and saw Billy walking toward it searching for me.

I ran up to him and gave him a big hug then asked him if he saw my parents.

After we saw them I kept looking for my nanny, my aunt, my cousin, anybody.

I asked mom and dad where they were and mom said, "Oh they left to go eat."

It's a fucking funny thing to me that they will all stay to congratulate Jessica, but when I accomplish something great it's to hell with Devon.

I didn't see any of my dad's side of the family except Wyatt, but he graduated with me so of course he was there.

It just really upsets me that I am an outcast in my own family.

Sometimes I am really glad to be an only child, cause at least then I'm favored by some of my family, but that's only cause they have to favor me.

For once I actually want to feel WANTED, and for my family to actually want to be there for me, not because they have to but because they want to.

It seems to be that I don't fit in ANYWHERE.

I've never had that many friends, I'm always off by myself doing something instead of being with people (which is funny cause I hate being alone), I just always seem to be an afterthought with everything.

The only person that has actually made me feel wanted and accept is Billy.

He doesn't blow me off intentionally, make me feel bad about myself, or do anything to hurt me in anyway.

I don't feel weird because of the music I listen to, the things I do, or the things I like.

He's the only person I know of that comes even remotely close to be anything like the way I am.

Right now I don't know what I'd do without him, I don't have any real friends that I talk to anymore besides Brittany.

I can't talk about my problems to anyone but him cause everyone else either laughs about it or tries to turn it around on me and shove it down my throat.

Billy's not even always there for me all the time, like today for example, I was suppose to go to TN with him to get something for my dad for Father's Day but he can't go.

I have to go by myself because no one else can or will go with me, so I just give up.  I'll go by myself and do whatever, by myself, the way it always is with me.

It just sucks that I don't really have anyone in my life that I can count on.

Well I think I've gotten everything out of my system for now, I just can't stop crying, but whatever.

Today is going to be a shitty day.

Officially a SMHS Alumni :), June 13, 2009, 9:01PM

Officially a SMHS Alumni :)

Current mood:accomplished

Well now I can say I am officially a high school graduate and an Alumni of Smoky Mountain High School.

Took 13 years but I finally received my dipolma :D

Graduation night was a blast, I had fun seeing people I have gone to school with for 4 years, and some I've went to school with all my life.

I just want to congratulate everyone who made it to that milestone in their life, it is a GREAT accomplishment.

I also got a laptop from my parents, it's an HP but I'm not sure what model.  I am OBSESSED with it and carry it with me wherever I go now. :D

Billy and I are doing fantastic, which isn't any surprise, we've been together 6 months and 9 days, by far my longest.

Mom and Dad really do like him, they even took us both out to eat last night at Old Mountain BBQ in Waynesville and we had a GREAT time.

Mom started telling us restaurant stories and everyone was laughing, she even started crying she was laughing so hard.

Billy even looked at me after we left and said "I think your parents actually like me!" lol

But, right now my life is the best it's ever been

I've got goals set and I don't plan on giving up on them until I've reached all of them :D

Congrats class of 2009!!!