Not really anything interesting acutally..., August 14, 2007, 1:05AM

Not really anything interesting acutally...

Current mood:indescribable

Yea it's like 1 AM and i have nothing to do...  I'm bored as hell, I can't sleep and i'm sad.  I'm sad cuz I can't see Jon and I can't see Jon cuz he lives 83 fuckin miles away...  it sucks ass.  but just cuz there's distance doesn't mean that i'm gonna break up with him.  i seriously love that boy with all my heart.  even tho he is younger than me (which this is the first relationship i've ever been in w/ a younger guy).  i really don't know what i'd do if i hadn't went 2 camp woodman over the summer.  i was seriously considering not going.  and then the first day i wanted 2 go home so bad cuz i didn't know anyone... then i met the most wonderful ppl. and then i met Katie and hung out w/ her.. when i found out there was a dance i didn't have anyone 2 go 2 the dance w/... and she said that her brother wasn't going with anyone... and i looked @ him and i thought.. well he listens 2 rock music.. maybe i can get him 2 go with me, I doubt he will though cuz i'm ugly..  but 2 my surprise when she asked him he said yes.  the funny thing was that we never talked... lol.  we both said 2 words 2 each other... i said "thank you" to him and he said "you're welcome" to me.  then i got Katie to ask him if he'd dance with me @ the dance and he said he didn't kno... which made me sad but i had an escort.. but later on thru the week the counsolers decided not to do the escorts for various reasons.. and when that was said i thought.. well there went my first and only date to any dance... but Katie talked 2 Jon and he said that he'd still go w/ me and he'd dance with me.  but came time 2 go 2 the dance i was sooo nervous.. and i just stayed around Caitie, Becky, Kelsey, and Katie.  then when the first slow song came on i just sat on a table and watched ppl cuz Jon obviously wasn't gonna come and ask me 2 dance.  come 2 think of it we never even talked that night.  it was like the 2nd or 3rd song when me and him danced 2gether.. lol.  then after that when a slow song started we'd like automatically head for each other..  then when the older kids stayed to "clean up" me and him danced.  during that time we got closer and closer.. during that i felt something very special.. something that i can't possibly describe.  but when my arms wrapped more around his neck his arms wrapped more around my waist and we pulled each other closer.. at one point in time we were close enough 2 kiss and i think we were abt 2 but we had a flashlight shined on us cuz we were like a million times closer than what we were suppose 2 (which was a foot) we were so close that we were touchin.. lol.  that night i felt soooo great.  it was the best i'd ever felt in my whole life.  i was also sooo nervous, i remember my stomach growling soo much and i was sooo selfconcious abt that cuz i'm sure that he noticed.  i just wish that i would have went up 2 him and start talkin 2 him on the first day when i saw him.  cuz i thought he was the cutest there (then eddie came next.. lol)  when the dance ended i cried.  i couldn't help it, but i don't think that he ever saw me cry.  and that night i wrote him a long letter b/c i wanted 2 and b/c i coulnd't sleep at all.  but the day after the dance we couldn't shut up talkin 2 each other.. lol.  it was like we clicked right away.. we talked about music.. then he said something about some kind of a new dance for the song "I-E-A-I-A-I-O" and i was like what song is it?  and he said it again and i was like yea.. i love that song by System of a Down.. and he was all like REALLY OMG!! lol except he didnt' say that i don't think.. then we talked about music and then he told me that he wanted a pic of me.. and so on and so forth.. that was all during the awards program.. which my mom and dad showed up during the middle of...  but after they did i went and finished packin my stuff then when i came back they went 2 talkin 2 Mr. Doug and i came back up and took pix and stuff.. and there was a couple of pix of me and Jon taken but i still haven't seen any of them...   but that last hug goodbye made me wanna cry.  i didn't want to let go when i had 2.  i wanted 2 stay there in his arms and b there for the rest of my life because it really did feel right for me to be there.  i miss him sooo much now and it feels like i haven't seen him in forever.. well 2day (Tuesday) it will b a whole month since i saw him last...  and it sux big time cuz i really do wanna see him.  i'm thinkin that when i graduate i'll take a year off and go live w/ him in rutherfordton.  or i can wait a whole year and then he can come live with me when he graduates.  now it seems like anytime i write a blog it ends up being about him somehow.  u can tell that i really am head over heels for this boy.  he's special in every way.  i could go on and on abt him.. like what's he's said or what he's done and it would probably take an hour or more to read.  but i just want everyone 2 kno how much i love jon and how much i want 2 b with him even tho he lives far away.  i'd walk 2 his house just 2 b w/ him... i'd do anything for him and i'd do anything just 2 stay with him.  i'm more into this boy than i've ever been into anyone before.  and we have more in common than i even have with some of my best friends... it's scary in someways, cuz it seems like ive found the guy version of me.. lol.  and the best thing about him is that he accepts me for who i am and for just being me.. and he loves me completely.. mistakes and all!  which those of u who know my past know what MISTAKE i'm talkin about.  i love him with all my heart and i hope that he knows that.  and the only thing that bothers me in the relationship is the distance and it's killin me...  but anytime i talk 2 him or read something he's written me then i remember that distance really doesn't matter cuz i kno his heart is always w/ me and my heart is always w/ him...  I LOVE YOU JON!  i'd do anything for you and i'd do anything just 2 b w/ u.