They Hate Me and It Makes Me Really Depressed (WARNING: it goes from happy to depressing)
Current mood:
depressedI am really in love with this boy it's just so amazing. I really haven't felt like this ever. It's just so awesome and great but also just a little bit scary but not much. I mean I can say "penis" to him and not feel totally and completely awkward like I am with everyone, except Hollie, but she's my best friend so it's ok with her. I just feel so different with Jon. I mean I thought I knew what love was but when I met Jon I felt something different, it was something that I couldn't explain. I mean I thought it was just a crush but it was something much more than that. I really can't imagine my life without this boy in it because if I hadn't ever met him I probably would have made another big mistake and would probably end up pregnant right now. Or I could have ended up being bi or lesbian because there are just no great guys here in Sylva anymore. But I think that ever since I have been with Jon I have changed a lot. I think that I have changed for the better because I am not into drugs or alcohol like I was and I'm not hurting myself like I was. Before I met him I was always cutting myself and I was always depressed. I'm glad that he didn't know me before because I don't think that he would have even looked at me at camp. I just love him so much that it's so hard to even put into words. I really can't explain what he does to me or how he makes me feel. I really do think that me and him will get married someday. I want to have his children. Sometimes when I talk to him though I feel like I'm being to controling or bossy and it really hurts me cause I really don't want to do that to him. He tells me that I'm not but I really do feel like I am. Like I'm trying to make him be someone he's not, but he's perfect in every single way and I don't want him to change at all. I really scare myself sometimes because I act like this. Like I love him for him and I don't want him to change but at the same time I feel like I am trying to change him. I really hate when I do some of the things I do or think some of the things I think. I feel like I'm two different people living in one body, which isn't good. Because one minute I think something like "Do I really want to be with him for the rest of my life?", then the next minute I think "What the hell was I thinking? Of course I want to be with him for the rest of my life." It scares me when I think things like the first one because I know deep down in my heart that I do want to spend the rest of my life with him becuase he's the only guy for me. The only things that stand in our way are the distance that keeps apart and his parents at this point. I really don't think that they like me, for reasons that are complete lies. At this point they are telling him that the distance is too much and that I'm not worth it because I'm a nasty little whore that does all these things that i don't. I really don't know where his mom hears all of these things because I really don't know many people in Rutherfordton. It really hurts me because I don't think his mom likes me anymore. Ever since the Birthday Ball she has thought that I am a bad person and a bad influence on Jon. It really hurts me because when I was spending time with her and I thought that she really liked me but apparently she was just putting on a show because now from the way Jon talks she hates me. She has thought that at the Birthday Ball that I was giving Jon a handjob under the table when we laughed and joked about that after Katie said something told her that. She believe that me and Jon weren't doing that and every one at our table just laughed. But afterwards she heard it from someone else and believed it again. Someone else has told her that I do drugs, I hang out with the wrong people, I hate my parents, and I run away all the time. She has tried everything to try to get me and Jon to break up and I really don't know how much more of this that I can take, Jon and me both. This is just like the opposite of my last relationship. Except there my parents hated him and now it's that his parents hate me. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out for the first time in a long ass time and it really hurts. I don't think our relationship can last with his parents being like this. I mean why the fuck do they hate me, I've never done anything that would make them hate me. I just think now that this relationship is doomed to end, which is the last thing that I want. If it were up to them me and Jon would never ever see each other again. Why, oh, why can I not have a happy ending? I always seem to be the girl with the heartbreak and pain. Just when I thought I was always going to be happy his parents go and ruin my happiness for hating me for no reason. I mean if his mom didn't like me in the first place then why not tell me? She didn't have to act like my best friend and then go off and then hate my guts. I hate it when people do that because I hate people who fake who they are. I'm not surprised if soon Jon calls me and tells me it's over just because of his parents. He told met that ever since we started dating that they have been accusing him of things that he hadn't done and that they had been yelling at him for things they use to not do. If that's the way it's going to be then I don't want him to go through things like that just because of me. I'm not worth it because I'm just a girlfriend, he can stop seeing me at anytime, but those are his parents, they are always going to be his family no matter what. It's all my fault that they have been treating him this way. I am really depressed right now. I've been crying ever since me and him were talking and still am. Why can't I ever be happy? Just when I thought that I really was things fall apart. I love him with all my heart but it seems like the best thing right now is for me to not be in his life because of his parents. Maybe I am just a dirty hoebag that shouldn't be with anyone or ruin any other person's life by being apart of it. I really don't think that me and Jon will be together much longer just because of his parents. I love him with all my heart and I really don't want it to happen but I really do think that it will. Which is really sad for me to say because I told him that we'd always be together. I really have loved him more than I have loved anyone else before. I think I've said enough so I am going to go and wallow in my misery. I just hope things will get better because I really love him and I really don't want to ever lose him.
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