Current mood:
sadI wish that he was here with me. I love him so much. He is apart of me, he is my better half. Without him I am just the bad half that doesn't know pleasure, happiness, and love. I love him more than anyone in this world could imagine. Even though I sometimes don't show that I love him I really really do. Without him in my life I don't know what I would do. I can't stand to not be with him. Especially if we're at the pool together and he hangs out with his friends when all of my friends blow me off. Today at the pool Jessica and Courtney were there. I was suppose to hang out with them and talk a while but they acted like they wanted nothing to do with me. It really hurts when your two best friends that you've had for a long time and have been with through a lot, just act like you were the last person they ever wanted to see. It really really hurt me and Hollie was there at the pool too. She was the only friend that really stayed with me but her friend Alyssa was there so they hung out a lot. Today has just not been a good day at all. Brandon was being mean to me. He was always going off with his friends. When I was there and no one was with me, they were off donig more important stuff, I actually tried to drown myself. I held my breath and stayed under the water for a while. I got to the point where I couldn't breathe when I came back up. I think Hollie knew something was wrong because she went up to Brandon and told him that I was trying to drown myself. But I told them that I wasn't, but I think Hollie knew better. I wasn't sure if Brandon believed me or not. I kind of feel like he didn't. But he didn't make me feel any better. He just said that he'd walk with me to Bradley's. The problem was I wasn't going to Bradley's after the pool and I tried to tell him that but he went and got on the diving board with his friends. Then I saw Ashley's mom and I got out of the pool and got my stuff. I told him that her mom was here and that I had to leave. Then he went back on the diving board. But he hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loved me, so I guess that has to count for something. But earlier he ditched me for my ex-boyfriend that dumped me for a lesbian! I got mad at him for that. He told me that he didn't like him but I know that he's friends with him. But my mom made me so mad a while ago that I did end up cutting myself. I only do that when I'm really upset and I mean REALLY upset. The last time I did it was when me and David got in a really big fight. I have depression and anger issues. Lately I have been losing more and more control of both of them. I have to keep myself from hitting my parents. Instead I scream into a pillow, hurt myself (or stick sharp objects thru my ear lobes), or punch something. I cut myself on my arm and my leg and I put push pins thru my ear lobes. I really wanna gage my ears. But I can't think of what else has gone wrong today or anything that has gone right. The only good thing in my life right now would have to be Brandon. Even though he blows me off for his friends. I really don't give a anymore. I can't cry anymore because of David, I'm never really sad, and I find myself not being able to bring myself close to any guy. But I think that me staying with Brandon a long time will make me be closer to him. I mean we are already really close because of what happened. I really love him and I never wanna break up. Of course if we do I will be upset but I will move on. Hopefully I won't have to find out anytime soon.
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